The toughest 48 hours so far.

Life isn't supposed to be easy. Since so many have sweetly offered their love and concern, I've decided to share with you the hardest challenge Kai or I have had to face up to this point in our lives...

I went in Thursday for a routine ultrasound and my world was flipped upside down as my typically goofy/joking doctor walked into the room with sad tone/concern. He began to explain that we may have found the answer as to why Ashton is growing slightly slower than Blake. They dopplered the umbilical cord flow from the placenta to each baby. Ashton isn't receiving enough blood flow due to a condition called Absent End Diastolic Flow (AEDF), which basically means his life is dependent on his own ability to pump the blood back to himself. Typically there should be a steady flow of blood, whether the baby's heart is helping with the pumping or not. They set us up for an immediate consultation with the Perinatologist, who was fantastic and spent 3 hours answering questions and explaining our options. Unfortunately, we didn't receive very many reassuring solutions.

I'm 25 weeks along right now. We've been presented with countless statistics/probabilities for survival for both kiddos within the next few weeks and the numbers are all pretty low. When the blood starts to back flow to Ashton, we will only have 24-48 hours to deliver him--and we'd also have to deliver Blake. If we decide to deliver both too soon, we could lose one or both babies. The other option is to let Ashton do the best he can, but only deliver as long as we're far along to give Blake the best chance he can have at survival, which means we would lose Ashton.  To sum everything up, Kai and I are possibly facing a difficult choice we never expected to have to make. We're terrified and we're heartbroken.

The Lessons: 

In such a short amount of time, I've realized how much I need the Gospel in my life.

I'm so grateful that I've been raised in a way that I could develop a testimony before this trial, so that I can lean and depend on those things that I know to be true to help me through it now.

I'm grateful for Priesthood blessings and the wonderful men in my life that are so willing/worthy to give those blessings. Kai and I are clinging to the words and comfort from these blessings to guide us through each step of this process.

I'm grateful for modern day revelation/scriptures. I've had countless talks, quotes and scriptures help me out in the last few days. I've especially come to study and understand the Plan of Salvation in a way that I never have before. It's hard to think of things with that perspective, but what an incredible gift it is to know that our time here on earth is short and there are so many more incredible things to come.

I can't even begin to explain in words how much I love my husband. He's an absolute rock, my best friend. I feel like he and I have been on the same page through every step of this. I'm grateful for his faithfulness and trust in our Heavenly Father to take care of our little family. He's been so supportive of me though all my random emotional break downs and he's the only person I could picture walking me through this trial. He's incredible. I'm so glad we were sealed in the temple and that we have that reassurance that our family WILL be together forever.

I'm so grateful for the overwhelming support we've found in our family and friends. Seriously, you are all amazing. Every message and text has had a lesson, advice, or just plain made me smile. I wish I could hug each of you and let you know how important you are in my life. Thank you so much for being such strong examples. We just couldn't do this without you.

 

 Above are a couple blurry ultrasound pictures... on the left are both of the boys' faces and on the right is Ashton's 3D picture. (Notice he's smiling... I think this means he has a couple tricks up his sleeve. He's just practicing early with being a mischievous little boy.)